Always

Like every mislead person
in this world
I thought you made me happy
Or maybe you really did
I still remember that pure squeal that seemed to erupt
in me
the kind that you get
when on gigantic, overwhelming rides
in amusement parks
No, nothing else could explain
that internal squeal
not the dried fries
not the hostile hum of air-conditioning
Just you
despite how your chair
angled away from me
despite how busy you were
sipping your cola
making small talk to our friends
to notice my elbows skirt towards you
despite how much
how many times
I tried to deny to myself
that it was always you
Always.

Dear Santa.

Dear Santa
I'm not going to ask you for much this year. I never did as a matter of fact. Because you're a non existant legend created to our train children to be "good" to leake extra cookies stolen  by naughty children to boost sales to kale red and white a siezable combination to make everyone believe in flying deers with antlers to make all that was scoffed at accepted.
Well everything is alright now.  All kids are wonderful well-behaved.  Go back to being a story now. Stop the cash flow.
Merry Christmas to you too.

You

It is so difficult
To not let what you are
affect me
To adulterate what you are
into every cell of my being
Till I have lost myself
my very essence
To the very
to every aspect
of you that I fell
So steadfastly
In love with.
 

Midnight

Have you ever let midnight get to you?
The darkness
The shilloutes
that your mind makes
imaginary creatures of?
and you're scared and panting
suddenly it was a dream?
Suddenly you want to choke
Suddenly you want to die
but the very idea of death
scares you
So we are back to the forgotten shilloutes
the unnerving darkness.

Pain is Beautiful

I think I like the idea of pain
And how once felt and overcome
there is a call for glory
And loops of this pain become a pattern
and just hurting myself
Is a twisted way of loving myself
Because pain is beautiful
And I need it in me to feel that way.

Memory Keeper

She chose to collect memories
And keep them within her for safe-keeping
She imagined all the thrill there would be
All the joy this would bring
Wheee she yelled inside
Glowing almost entirely at the prospect
So she begins, stacking them
One by one like the old
greeting cards that some
choose to sell-off to the paper-vendors
She holds on to them dearly
And so, at once, she chances upon a memory
And the joy that fills her
So completely. So enormously.
She is jumping.
And whispers - it's almost a squeal but no one seems to hear.
She tries again. Some lend their ear. Some don't.
So she tries. Again and Again and Again.
And she stands like a chaperon waiting for a ward to arrive outside
a bustling school gate.
No one seems to notice.
And those who do, shrug
shrug and walk away.
And she's trying to hold on to the memories
And she can't give them away.
It's all she can do.
Hold on to them
And act like it doesn't matter
That she doesn't care
Just as no one does
So she keeps them
Like little bottled jars of exquisite perfume
That seek to be shared
Their whispers, their smell
They yearn to be heard
To be listened to
But they lay there contained
And she no longer squeals
No more glowing cheeks
Just some memories
And she, their keeper.

Happy.

I don't seem to comprehend the insane joy of happiness.
Why must only happiness be glorified?
Why isn't pain, sorrow glorified as it must be?
Why must one run away?
Run away and Hide, like the little lollies and pleasure we seek - material, all of them- would last
And thus the joy turns into temptation.
Temptation to Addiction.
And you just can't seem to Let Go.
You think this gives you a high - an uplift to your sensory stimulae or is it just the numbness?
I can never tell.
But where is the joy? The happiness?
I thought joy was a heightened sensation. An internal state so complete, complex, so euphoric you cannot speak. Where everything seems beautiful, where you only want to see more beauty, where you only want the joy inside, out.
Where not the clichéd rosy, sigh, sigh, cotton candy strikes your heart.
But ultimate reality, what the world is strikes you and you are happy.
Not because you have something, gained something.
But because you are,
And you just are.
And that simple phrase makes you Happy.